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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Find Your Husband Here!

We have all heard of Mail-Order-Brides.  Have you ever heard of  Mail Order Husbands? 

I stumbled across a website, just for ladies looking for Mr. Right.  Here are some of my favorites:

 

 

 

Name: Steven
I’m definitely a classic romantic. I like a candlelight dinner, some quiet background music, and a couple hits of ether. I prefer a woman that has insurance and a car would be great as I need to make the occassional trip to Mexico to pick up “souvenirs”.

 

 

 

Name: Earl
I deal in reality…and the reality is that I’m ready for love. I can chop lots of wood and can even climb a greased pole. I keep in shape by chasing chickens around my back yard. I keep my self clean and take baths weekly.
Location: West Virginia, U.S.A

 

 

 

Name: Fuad
Ladies, I’m still available. I’ve been here for about 2 years. what gives? Don’t ya wanna party with me? woohoo… They lowered my price twice already. I’m a red-hot special, come and get me.
Location: San Bernardino, USA

The link to find more of these special guys, is: http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order 

Best of luck,

Al

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I received a letter the other day. It was from my wife.

I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to write long letters to your spouse when you have an issue, but I’m not a big fan of it. I’ve always appreciated the direct, verbal route. Perhaps this is one of the issues she (and other people) have with me at times.

Regardless, a written response has been requested. Why in writing? Only she and her “life coach” know for sure.

 So, in a supportive (but not overally thrilled) way, I have tried to draft a response the last couple of days.  What women fail to understand at times, is that putting a man’s feelings into words is not the simplest of tasks.  I’ve been through several drafts, and I can feel the clock continue to tick as my response is being waited upon. 

Am I wrong to assume that my every word will be scrutized by my wife and her Life Coach? 

And……….how do I address analogies, such as “a marriage is like tending a garden”?  Shall I own up to pulling all the weeds, without knowing which ones are really flowers?  

I don’t know.  I’m simple-minded, and need more direct feedback. 

In all fairness, I’m not the easiest guy to be married to.  I’m on the temperamental side, addicted to sports at the expense of other wife related activities, and have had an off & on relationship with Nicotine over the years (currently its ON, which is one of the issues).

My parents divorced when I was a kid, so I never had the best of role models when it comes to marriage.  But, that’s no excuse.  During the course of (almost) 15 years of marriage, it hasn’t been easy to keep my wife happy with me or our marriage all the time.  It appears that I’m in the middle of one of those down cycles.

Unfortunately, I’m not bright enough to see these marriage cycles coming ahead of time (and yes, I’m assuming this is just a phase in marriage we will overcome).   So, I’ll write the letter and profess my love.  I’ll apologize for whatever I have done to offend, and try to figure out how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  That’s always the tough part.

Of course, all of this is coming down the week before Valentine’s day.  I better get this one right……..or it’s gonna be a little cold on the 14th.

-Al

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On my blog last week, I whined about my wife’s current interest in “Couple’s Classes” (see the entry: Seven Things I Think  – Vol 3).  On Friday evening, we went to a movie event targeted at couples. 

All I can say is……..When I’m wrong, I’m really wrong.  This was really worth the time spent.

 

 Along with approximately 30 other couples, we watched a movie called “Fireproof”.  It’s the story of a firefighter who lives by the old fire-fighter’s adage: Never leave your partner behind.  Unfortunately, this strong held belief does not pertain to his marriage.

 

fireproof1

 

In addition to the “Backdraft” type movie action; the story outlines the failing marriage of the fire chief and his wife.  Neither one understands the pressures the other faces.  Much like myself a number of years ago, he believes that his wife is too sensitive and doesn’t show him the respect he deserves.

 

The wife claims that he is insensitive and that he “doesn’t listen” to her.  Sound familiar???  It hit home with me.

 

The path he takes to save his marriage is at the heart of the movie.  I can’t recommend it enough.  My wife and I have been talking about this movie all week. 

 

If you want to do something special for your wife for Valentines day, rent this movie and watch it with her.  I guarantee that it will change the way you think of your relationship with your wife. 

 Happy Valentine’s Day – Al

 fireproof-2

 

 

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I have a secret. 
One which I have kept from my closet friends for almost 2 years now.  But it’s time to admit it………

I belong to a ….. Gourmet Dinner Club (gasp!). 

The reason my wife and I joined a dinner club, had something to do with the welfare of my marriage or my general safety — I can’t remember exactly what she said to me a the time.

All that I CAN remember was that we apparently weren’t spending enough time with other couples.  We needed to “get out” more. 

So “get out” we did.

There is apparently some joy to meeting new people over a course of Oyster & Brie soup, that I was unaware of.  After all, I’m happy with Red Hook Beer and a steak with my family.  I never realized that I was missing anything.

So with a deep desire to be a good husband, and a personal fear of what I was going to be forced to eat, my wife and I joined a Gourmet Dinner Club.  After 2 years of meeting every other month for dinner with our group, I have made a few observations.  In no particular order, my observations about Gourment Dinner Clubs are:

1) Each dinner seems to include drinking 3-4 bottles of wine, which makes almost anything taste OK to me (exceptions include Escargot and squid).

2) You get to learn new terms, such as:
            a) FARCE: A French expression for stuffing, as in “honey, don’t farce your face at the table”. 
            b) DRIVEL:  The inedible secretions of snails.
            c) PEMMICAN: A Cree Indian word, which roughly translated means “the least food with the greatest nourishment”.  I refer to it as Trail Mix.
            d) FIASCO: A round bottomed Italian bottle
                                   (or as I refer to it………….. my Mother in Law)
            e) RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat
             f) TONGUE: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

3) Third, there seems to be a requirement for bragging about the successes of your children in sports and school.  No Gourmet Dinner Parent I have ever met has: (a) ever had a child struggle in school, and (b) never had a child that didn’t lead his/her youth soccer/baseball/volleyball/football team in scoring.  

4) Interestingly, 60% of all Gourmet Dinner parents claim to have at least one (1) “Gifted” child.

5) No one will admit that anything prepared for the dinner is unfit for eating. It doesn’t matter how burnt or bizarre the course is, it is always “wonderful”.

6)  The amount of dishes left for you to wash after a Gourmet Dinner Club event in your home, surpasses even Christmas and Thanksgiving.  Since the husband rarely cooks anything for the Gourmet Dinner, the dishes are delegated to him by his better half.   

In summary, the only thing that stops me from shooting myself in order to avoid participating in another Gourmet Dinner, is my wife.   She doesn’t know exactly how silly I think this whole gastronomic misadventure is; but she clearly knows that its not my favorite thing to do on a Saturday night. 

For that reason, I don’t fuss or complain.  I get extra brownie points for being a good husband and doing something that is not my thing.  Instead, I just asked for another glass of wine, and pretend that the Oyster floating in the middle of my soup is really an over-sized Buffalo Wing.

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